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13 Reasons Why – Where do I belong?

Disclaimer: I recently finished watching ‘Thirteen Reasons Why’ and I get easily influenced by what I watch so I might start talking/writing like how Hannah Baker would, haha.

Hmm, how should I start this post off? Maybe I should start by saying that I connected to the movie a lot more than I thought. Quite a sad realization. Like Hannah Baker, I had people talk about me, I disappointed my parents multiple times, and I worry about what others would say about me and a boy. Let’s get into this shall we?

“No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people.” — Thirteen Reasons Why

This past year, I became very close to a group I’ll call WL. We all enjoyed the same hobbies which was volleyball. Everyday I would go play which soon led to me being on their volleyball team. After each game, we would celebrate or cheer each other up by eating out or simply driving around. Just being with them made me happy until the one who brought us together graduated.

After that, we still hung out a lot, but now I was the only girl in a group of 10 other guys because the graduate’s girlfriend started focusing more on school. I felt out of place because they would talk about girls many times. I was fine with it until I was compared to one of them. “She beats [My name] in any way possible.” I felt so insecure and never hung out with them unless there was a party or volleyball. I insisted on leaving the group because I never felt good around them anymore, but they convinced me to stay.

About a month later, I overreacted when I lost a competition and jokingly said things about my friend, “I fed her, I let her sleep in my bed, and I let her use any of my things she wanted to.” But one of the guys didn’t see it as a joke. He wrote a long message about how disrespectful I was and how much he hated me at that moment, but that wasn’t even the worst part, the worst part was when no one stood up for me.

Not only did I feel like an outsider in the group, but I also felt like an outsider in another group that I’ll call GH. This group is very different from WL due to the fact that they are all females and none of them played volleyball as much as I did. So I was always playing volleyball with WL on the weekends and GH would say things like “Can’t you just take a break from volleyball for once?” with an attitude. The same night I lost the competition, I had been at a girl’s potluck however I decided to leave early to go play volleyball with the graduate that came up to visit. As I was getting ready to leave, I heard a girl mumble, “These volleyball people..” I shook it off, faked a smile, and said bye to them.

Fast forward to about a month later. My roommate was getting ready to go out which was very unusual considering she would always be in bed at this time. So I asked her where she was going and her reply was, “Oh [Confidential Name] wanted me to do something with her, but she didn’t tell me what it is.” I told her to have fun and she left. I continued to wonder what they’re doing. That’s when a thought came to me, maybe they were planning a surprise birthday for me since the upcoming Wednesday was my birthday. I had never been more wrong in my life. The girls in GH invited each other and excluded me, on purpose. I did not know about this until just two nights ago which is about a month after the hangout. What did I do to be excluded like that when I thought we were all good friends? We always say we’ll be there for each other, but how can you leave me out so easily?

I cried so much that night, a few hours maybe? Who knows. I had problems at home, I have problems with those I hang out with daily, and I had problems with those who I thought would be there for me when I needed them. I felt so alone and I had no one to tell because I had to show my parents that I made the right decision to come back to this place, but I questioned myself if it was worth it. If being where I wanted was worth it despite all the pain and loneliness.

Let’s bring it back to WL. One day as I was asking the group about who’s playing volleyball that night, no one answered. No one said yes and no one said no except for the only other girl who was visiting family two hours away. She said, “You guys should be playing volleyball right? Cause there’s nothing else going on.” Wrong. A bonfire had been planned and all the guys went to it except for me. Why didn’t I go? Simply because no one told me about it until I asked. Funny thing is that I knew from a friend so I tried hinting at the guys to bring it up, but no one did. Why am I being left out again? They tell me it was very last minute and I told them it’s fine, but how can all of them know and not me? A couple other friends questioned why I wasn’t there and to say they didn’t tell me was quite embarrassing.

All this loneliness and exclusion led me to having emotional and physical needs. I have never been one who hugs yet it was what I needed most, but no one was there to comfort me until the night after the bonfire, the cabin party. My friend had been having a tough time so I told her to have fun and I’ll watch over her. I did fairly well watching over her, but then I lost her when she went to go look for her guy. I decided to talk to a guy that was the brother of my close friend. Long story short, we flirted with each other. I decided to take pictures to remember the night and he was the last one I took a picture with. After I took the picture, he told me to take another but this time he kissed my forehead and said, “Now that I gave you a kiss, you should give me a kiss too.” It was not that simple. I told him I’ve never kissed anyone before and he was quite shocked, but said it’s okay and kissed my forehead again. I thought about it. What’s so special about having a first? First love, first kiss, first date, etc. Why do we care so much? At that point, I had been so lonely that I didn’t care anymore, I wanted the attention. I got it, and I liked it. So guess what happened next. I put my arm around his neck, pulled him close, and kissed him. He then hugged me and told me how special he felt. Fast forward to the next day, we were back to being strangers. I had been used to comfort him for the night because he recently broke up with his girlfriend. However, I had no regrets because I also needed the comfort. Isn’t it amazing how being lonely can change a person so much?

After that night, I started hanging out with the WL more often and got comfortable around them again. Two days ago, I realized just how much they mean to me and how blessed I am to have a group like that in my life. Two days ago I was supporting my club’s henna fundraiser. During this time, a friend had messaged GH about rumors and for anyone to come forward if they knew about it, but no one answered her. I asked my friend if I could look at  henna designs on her laptop and she said yes. That was when I saw a notification saying my roommate had messaged the girls group chat. I looked at my own phone and did not see the message. I looked back at the laptop and the message says, “[Confidential name aka my friend] and [My name] can figure that shit on their own.” I was shocked. Not just because my roommate said that, but the fact that they had another girls group chat, purposely leaving me and my friend out of it. They had kicked me out of that group chat and I never even knew.

Later that night, some guys in WL knew something was wrong so we decided to go on a night drive and let things out. I cried and explained to them how lonely I had been. That’s when I learned three new things:

  1. The night of the GH potluck, after I left to go play volleyball, the girls were talking badly of me and why I left. My friend who they had excluded too told me what they said. I was crying too hard to hear her explain what was said about me.
  2. One of the girls had never liked me at all in high school because she thought I had a ‘thing’ with her current boyfriend back in middle school, MIDDLE SCHOOL when they hadn’t even met yet.
  3. This isn’t new, but my guy friend confirmed that another girl had also disliked me the semester before the one I’m currently in.

These three things made me explode. I started crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe normally. I was shaking so much and I couldn’t even show my face to the guys who were there to comfort me. Why? Why am I disliked for being myself? I didn’t understand, but what I did understand was how I had been alone from the start, how tired I was of being left out, how simply being friends with someone made me become an outcast, and how I was talked badly about just because I continue to do what I enjoy. The guys from WL talked to me and comforted me with their words and with their side hugs. They reassured me that even though they may seem to be rude at times, they still care for me like family and that I’ll always be wanted where they are.

After watching ‘Thirteen Reasons Why,’ I realized how I could’ve ended up like Hannah Baker. How we both had friends that weren’t actually friends, how we fell so easily for a guy, and how lonely everything made us feel. The only difference is that I had people reach out to me and stayed by my side no matter how messed up my life actually is when I pretend that everything is always fine. This made me appreciate all of the people who have stuck with me and continue to love me. I am truly blessed with the best. This is where I belong and all the pain I felt throughout the past few months was worth it.

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Reflection: Night of July 11, 2016

I only shared this with one friend in detail so I don’t have any thoughts from friends like I did for the last post. When I reflected on this dream after I wrote it that following morning, I mostly asked questions like how viewers do when they watch a movie or show that ends in a cliff hanger with little to no answer.

  • Why did he need me?
  • Why did the owner want me?
  • Who’s the arranged marriage with?
  • I had powers?
  • Where was I running to?
  • How did 3 hikers find us and why?

I don’t think there is any meaning to this dream, but I love it and still remember how everything looked like. I wish I could draw everything out, but I’m not artistic, LOL. Let me know how you felt about this dream also!

Night of July 11th, 2016

My posts have been pretty deep and serious so I decided to post up a dream I typed out last year to change the mood a bit. WARNING: This dream will be very random and will jump all over the place, but hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did dreaming about it 🙂

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“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.

– William Dement

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When I came home from college, my mom greeted me and told me she ad a surprise for me and handed me a box. I opened it and saw a new phone inside which was really exciting considering that my phone lost battery super quickly. While setting up my new phone, my mom asks me, “Are you willing to meet my friend’s son?” It was pretty normal for my mom and other moms to set their children up and since I was already in college and haven’t had a serious relationship yet, I thought why not because it shouldn’t be too bad. Well, turns out it wasn’t just a little blind date, it was an arranged marriage! My mom told me there was no way out of this, but I told her I’ll find a way and ran into my room.

While trying to figure out what to do, I saw something slowly walk into my room. I looked up and saw a white cat with a freakishly human face staring at me. I immediately stood on my bed and tried my best to stay as far as possible due to my fear of cats. My sister wasn’t playing around when she said she’d get a cat just to scare me. As it started walking to the side of my bed, I kept my eye on it and slowly walked towards the door. When it was far enough for me to run out safely, I ran as fast as I could into the bathroom and locked the door so that it couldn’t get in. I texted my sister to come get her cat so that I could leave, but while I was texting her, I saw two white rolls slide under the door. Then I saw a white ball slowly slide under too. As it came further in, I realized it was the head of the cat from earlier. This is my worst nightmare [NOTE: I don’t remember what happened after this so I probably blacked out in that dream, LOL. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.]

Due to the crazy cat my sister owned and the arranged marriage, my family decided to go live in the country. After that day I came back, things have felt really different, as if my family was trying to hide me from something or someone. I always brushed off the feeling and continued with normal chores until I went back to college. The new house we were living in was really big and isolated, but it still had some old appliances where we had to gather wood to start a fire and make it work. My mom sent me to go outside and gather some sticks so that we could cook before it gets dark. I went outside to our backyard where we had three piles of sticks. While walking towards it, I saw three hikers walk out. Two were males and one was female, and all three of them seemed to be in their mid 20’s. I slowly started backing up, but they walked even closer to me. One of the males and the female stayed behind the man in the red jacket which seemed to be their ‘leader.’ At this point, I realized they were after me for some reason, but I didn’t know for what. I looked all around me and saw that my house was on my right, the woods were on my left, and the road was behind me. I looked back at the hikers and stopped moving and so did they. I slowly tok a few steps towards them, but before they could do anything, I ran as fast as I could towards the woods. The hikers did not expect that but quickly ran after me. As I reached the edge of the woods, I started running through the trees and get to the other side. I was able to gain some distance due to being familiar with these woods. I saw the sun shining through the trees straight ahead of me so I ran even faster. Finally I was able to get out of the woods, but what I saw was what made me realize why they might’ve chased after me.

Instead of being surrounded by hills, I was in an airport. I looked around me and thought to myself, ‘Did I .. just teleport?’  I looked around and realized I was in the airport from the cities that is the closest to us. I sat down and called my friend to bring me a backpack with some clothes. When she arrived, she said “Thanks for calling to meet up before you leave.” I lied to her saying I was visiting family because I couldn’t tell her I’m being chased by three strangers and that I teleported here. When she left, I put on my Adidas jacket and a black cap while tying my hair into a ponytail. I kept my head down and started walking towards the exit to go back home when the door slid open [NOTE: They were automatic doors.] I looked up and have never been so shocked in my life, which is saying something considering I just teleported. How did he find me so quick? The airport is about two hours away from where we were earlier at my house. I was so shocked that I stood where I was standing. The man with the red jacket started walking towards me and said my name. He stuck out his arm as if trying to calm me down and not scare me off, but that did not work because I ran towards the hallway behind me and could hear him running after me too. I started running out of breath when I turned the corner into another hallway on my right, but shortly stopped. I was in a hospital now. I walked quickly down the hall and tried to catch my breath when I heard someone running at the end of the hallway. IT WAS THE RED MAN AGAIN. I grabbed onto the arm of a patient pretending to be their relative. The red man walked past while turning his head around to look for me. As the patient and I was turning the corner, I looked back to check if the red man was gone, but when I looked, I made eye contact with him. When he wasn’t in sight anymore, I ran a bit down the hall and hid in one of the rooms. It wasn’t the best choice because the room had semi see through walls. I crouched down and took off my jacket and hat but soon saw that I had many bruises on my arms and one on my face so I had to put it back on. The patient I was with earlier slowly walked past the room I was in and stopped a bit past the door. Then I heard the voice of the red man, “Excuse me, where was the girl that was talking to you?” The patient paid no attention to him and continued to walk away from him. While the red man was still trying to get some information out of him, I slowly tiptoed away from them and tried to be as quiet as possible. I almost made it to the the other hallway when I bumped into a metal cart that had metal tools on them [NOTE: basically what happens in all movies when someone tries to get away, LOL]. The sound made the red man turn around and the chase began once again.

I ran as fast as I could and also tried to weave in and out of hallways and stairways, but when I checked how far the man was, he was gaining speed and was catching up towards me. When I turned to look forward again, I ran bumped into someone and we both fell down. WHY AM I ALWAYS BUMPING SOMEONE OR SOMETHING WHEN I TRY TO RUN AWAY? The man I fell with turned out to be a Korean idol named Mark Tuan. I apologized and when the red man arrived to where we were, Mark recognized him. Was the red man also a Korean celebrity? I pushed Mark Tuan towards him and heard girls squealing and running to where we were. The girls surrounded the both of them which helped me run away. I ran in the direction where the elevator is and when I found it, I hid in a small area until I saw the red man run past. When he turned the corner, I walked into the elevator and pressed level 2 to get out of the hospital where the main entrance was. In the elevator, Sean Kingston was also there with me [NOTE: VERY random isn’t it? LOL]. He said he wanted to take me to level 5 with him and I agreed. If he’s a celebrity, maybe he has a private suite where the red man won’t find me.

When the doors opened, we weren’t at the hospital anymore but was at a college lounge. When I looked out the windows, it showed a lake and a forest, maybe I went through another portal .. I hung out for a bit to regain my energy and went towards the elevator, but it was now replaced by a sliding door. It opened as I walked towards it and I stepped outside. As I started walking away, I went to go meet my younger sister at the sandy part of the lake. I realized we were in a different country now. I looked up above the lake and saw a castle on a cliff. I tried to take pictures of it to impress my friends on social media, but as I was about to take the picture, I heard a voice inside my head.

It was the voice of my art teacher and she told me, “Your art project is based off of its bookcase, go closer.” I looked into my camera and zoomed in on the castle. It zoomed in past the walls and into the office area with the bookcase. I took a picture and realized it was a trap. As soon as the camera clicked, I saw spirits in the house that had previously been murdered here. I knew I had to get out of here before the owner came and could murder me too. All of a sudden my art teacher is behind me and I tell her to run with me. She tried tricking me to follow her to safety, but it was the opposite direction of where the elevator/door I came out from. I slowly backed away from her and then sprinted off and in a low, demonic voice I heard her yelling for me to go back.

I tried finding the elevator and finally remembered where it was. It’s behind the house where the lake is but now there was an obstacle course on the lake that I had to play to get to the other side. There were also other people I knew on the course so I joined one of my guy friends in a relay station. I had to throw ping pong balls into his mouth. He caught two of them but missed the last one. We continued to keep trying until we got it. I looked behind me and saw someone coming towards me. It was the owner of the house I was in. I stopped trying to finish the relay and ran towards the elevator as fast as I could, but right before I reached it, the doors open and another time that day I was shocked by what I saw. The red man walked out, looked up at me, and said my name.

Then I woke up.

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Like the last dream post, I will post up my reflection on this later. Hopefully that was a bit entertaining (: Until next time!

Reflection: Night of January 15, 2017

I remember all of this so clearly and that last part where it got deep is true too. I got into a fight with my mom and I started having bad thoughts. Would they miss me if i was gone? Do my college friends even care that I might not be able to go back and drop out? Do my friends from church get annoyed of me and judge that I’m different and do bad things? This might sound weird but what if this dream was God giving me the answers to my questions? 

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Thoughts from friends:

“Wow! I read everything and its so beautifully written. I feel like i was also part of your dream, felt so real my heart really skipped a beat. I couldn’t possibly remember most of my dreams and peoples faces or mine and just so clueless.  Maybe you are right. That God was trying to show you something through your friends and your family. I possibly don’t know what it is but that’s something to ask yourself what it is… and if you know what God is trying to show you, then question yourself again or maybe ask one of your very close friend to why is God showing me this? What do He mean in all this? What do I need to reflect my habits and self that isn’t pleasant to The Lord…. I think I can also relate to your thoughts as well.. (Maybe, because you might be thinking about something different. Haha. Lol.)” – P.

“Omg such an epic, (kinda literally) demented, and symbolic dream. So deep. LOL you nearly wrote it like a novel. But bruuuuuh that ending. IT ALL MEANS SOMETHING. The wounds are like your past way of thinking so when you take the bandages off and leave them it’s  like you’ve grown from it, realizing that your doubts, though they still hurt, have been healed and you can move forward, knowing now that your friends still have your back and that your family still loves you no matter how much you hurt them. In all seriousness, i think it is God revealing some things in your life.  A totally epic way of revealing it, I must say.” – T.

Night of January 15, 2017

In my very first blog post, I mentioned that I write down my dreams. Usually I make a list of details I remember, however, this situation was a bit different. As soon as I woke up, I started writing out every single thing that happened as if I was writing a novel. I typed it out non-stop and when I finished, I reflected on what I had just typed up and I was quite shocked. Before I tell you why, here’s what I dreamt of during the night of January 15, 2017 (I didn’t include the very beginning aka the parts I remember first because it’s irrelevant to the main story. Let me know if you want me to post it though!).

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“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”

– Ernest Hemingway

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As my friend and I headed into a building that was on my school campus, I saw an acquaintance. He seemed like he had an interest in me and kinda gave off a weird, uncomfortable feeling. He came to us and he asked, “You guys look lost, where are you guys headed to?” I forgot but I told him it was to the dance studio and he replies, “Follow me, I know where it is.” We awkwardly follow him but we stay about 7 feet behind him and when he takes us somewhere familiar, I realize it’s not the right place. I turn to my friend and whisper “You now this place right? (she nods) Then you know what’s behind that door too? (she tells me ‘the beach’) That’s what I think too so if it isn’t, I think we should run away.” She agrees and when he motions for us to follow him again, we do and he heads toward the door.

The both of us stop and when he opens it, my friend and are run away as quietly and quickly as possible. It wasn’t the beach, it was a dark red staircase that most likely led to a secluded area where no one would see us.

When he realizes we dipped (NOTE: This writing is a bit more informal since I only planned on telling my close friends read this, haha), with wide eyes he literally shouts with a demon voice, “WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?!” It legit scares me thinking about it. We run through the building as fast as we can although we don’t really know where we’re going, we just know that we need to get away safely. I turn around and he’s still chasing us. So we go through some doors and trying to weave in and out of different areas (NOTE: the doors , one side has the bar you push on to open it, while the other side has a handle.)

We continue to weave in and out of these doors when FINALLY we lose him. So we walk to catch our breath. At this point, my friend and I run into Tate and Sareena (NOTE: In the dream they were actually my friends in real life so I changed their names to protect their identity). So we’re in a type of open area in the hallway with doors lining it (it lines the open area, but when it goes back to a regular sized hallway, the row of doors end). Tate & Sareena sense that something is wrong and are like “what’s happening?” While my friend and I explain I look behind Tate’s shoulder and whispered, “.. oh crap ..”

Everyone turns to look where I was looking. Behind Tate, the guy who was chasing us and a random girl was standing there. However, I don’t run because he seems to give off a different feeling as if he’s a whole new person. He notices me and says,”Oh hey there! It’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other, how you doing?” I make small talk and I ask him, “So .. you don’t remember running after someone?” and he thinks about it and replies with, “I kind of do, but then i remember standing and saw a girl chasing after people.” A girl? Did the demon enter someone else? 

The answer to my question was literally knocking on the door, actually, more like banging. All of us turn to my right where a girl I recognize from middle school is banging super loud on the door. “LET ME IN!” she shouts with the same demon voice I heard from before. The side of the door on our side had the bar that when you push it in, it’ll open, but the handle on the other side was locked which is why the demon couldn’t get inside. While we all start backing up, she finally stops banging on the door and kinda droops her head a bit, but then she looks up (that creepy look you know?) and she smiles, “You won’t let me in? Fine, I’ll find another way in myself.” Then she takes her hands off the door and runs to her right (our left). My friend asks me what we should do and I think for a few seconds ‘Okay. I know this area of the campus, she’ll most likely run around the hall where there are no doors and since this area is like a big circle , she’ll eventually get here .. we only have a minute to spare so we have to go somewhere she doesn’t know.’

I look up at everyone , bid farewell to the dude (i felt like saying ‘bid farewell’ cause i never get to when explaining a story, LOL) and while I look outside at the pitch black sky beyond the double doors (the door the demon was behind and the doors behind that lead outside) I say to everyone “We’re going outside.” Then I bolt while Tate, Sareena, and my friend follow behind me.

While running out, Sareena says “but what if there’s no where to hide outside?” while running, I reply “Better than being inside a building where the demon can take over another body and also knows the building inside and out.” Sareena agrees and we see a hill a little further away from the building. “Quick, run as fast as you can over the hill before she sees us.”

Before we get to the hill, we see an unconscious girl laying at the bottom of a tree. I look at her and see blood and realized that she was attacked. I couldn’t leave her to die so Tate and I put her arms around our shoulders then we run up the hill. Sareena and my friend were ahead of us while we closely followed behind.

The hill starts to get very steep, so steep that we had to start grabbing the grass to help pull us up since there were no trees or branches to hold onto. We started getting tired and were moving very slowly, but we were almost over the hill.

All of a sudden, Tate and Sareena start singing (NOTE: A very random part of the dream, but I didn’t want to leave it out, lol). “Guys stop, she can hear us and figure out where we are.” I tell them but they don’t listen and continue. By the time I got them to be quiet, I started getting a bad feeling. I turn around and see the demon girl but this time she came with backup, she took control of my guy friend and his friend from before. “Run guys! Hurry!” I loudly whisper.

There was a tree nearby the top of the hill, but it was barely a tree because my hand could wrap around the base. Then the girl we were carrying started to gain consciousness, but when she did, she started moving her arms and freaking out. “Stop stop, we’re helping you get away from the demons.” I tell her to get her to stop but it was too late. Tate lost her balance and started slipping down the hill to where the demons were climbing.

The girl still had her arm around tiff and me so all three of us fell and stated sliding, but i grabbed onto the tree base before we slipped any further. I could feel the roots ripping but some were still still keeping the tree in the ground. “Tate hurry! Take the girl up.” I command Tate. Sareena and my friend help grab Tate’s hand and pull the two of them up, but when i was getting up I slipped on some loose dirt and fell. I grabbed onto the tree again but it was looser than before. I could feel the roots breaking again one by one. My friend grabbed onto my free arm as soon as the tree got ripped off from the ground. I was still holding onto the tree so I threw it down the hill towards the demons to stall. Then we quickly got up and ran.

Ahead of us, we saw a field of wheat, with a house hidden in it. Beyond that was a forest. We run towards the house, but when we pass it, I saw a butcher knife in a tree and a machete in a tree trunk. Should I grab the weapons before the demons could? But it was too late to turn back and grab it.

Sareena was about to go inside the house when I tell them that it won’t protect us. “No, we have to go into this forest, this house might belong to the demon girl.” So we run into the forest and find an abandoned house. The house had broken furniture turned all over.

While walking around, we find some knives scattered around so we pick them up to protect ourselves. Tate and I go hide in a bedroom that had a bookshelf which had fallen. Sareena, my friend, and the girl went to go check out the house for danger. While Tate sat on the bed to rest, I laid under the bookshelf. It was very quiet and I realize the sun had come up. For once, it felt peaceful, but that shortly ended when we heard a creak.

I look through a crack in the bookshelf and make eye contact with Tate. She motions for me to be quiet. She slowly got up to check it out and I move a bit so I could see the doorway and the kitchen. They found us. The three of them split up and went different places. The guy friend from before came towards our direction, but he didn’t look the same, now he was taller and skinnier. Could the demons be shapeshifters?

He walked into the room we were in, but he didn’t see us because i was under the bookshelf and Tate was behind the door. He walked further in and started looking around. He passed the door Tate was behind so she slowly walked out of where she was hiding and was ready to attack him from behind. But before she could, we heard screaming from the other parts of the house. The guy turned around and that’s when tiff knocked him towards the wall away from the door.

He’s about to stab her when she pushes him once more and makes him hit the wall hard, causing the knife to drop from his hand. I wanted to help so I tried pushing the bookshelf on him, but it just fell and landed back on me (NOTE: I was basically the useless sidekick, LOL). Before i could get out from under the shelf, I hear the knife enter someone’s body and blood drippings were heard shortly after.

Tate slowly stumbles backwards and I see the guy with the knife stabbed into his body. His face is lifeless as he slouches there, dead. I look at Tate and she has a cut, but she’ll be fine cause it’s not deep. I grab 4 knives and put it in one hand, but i was being extra so I put them all down expect for the big one. I also find a box cutter and pick that up.

I look over at Tate who was resting on the bed. I also look over at the guy, he was no longer in the dead position he was in causing me to gasp. Did he move? I slowly crouched down and picked up my knife and that’s when I saw his head move. He looked towards Tate who was laying on the bed. He slowly takes the knife out while staring at Tate who had her eyes closed and breathed deeply while holding her wound.

As the knife slowly came out of him, I ran out from under the bookshelf and pushed my knife into him. He looked up at me with wide eyes. This wakes up Tate and I motion for her to crawl away and find the others. He’s about the stab me when I take the box cutter and make cuts on his lips. This distracts him so I then take the box cutter and cut his knuckles causing him to bring his hand down and drop the knife, but when he did it cut me. I picked up the knife , put the box cutter and my pocket and took the knife from his body. He collapses onto the floor and i see a pool of blood. I ran out and closed the door while locking it from the outside. I hold onto my wound on my arm and turn around. Oh no.

When I turn, I see Sakura from Naruto there (NOTE: Again, very random, LOL). She looks up at me and smirks. “Where’s Tate and the others?” I ask while holding onto the knives tightly, one in each hand, both with blood on them. She puts both hands in front of me as if trying to calm me down. “The other medical ninjas and I found them and took them to our hospital to heal them.” I guess those screams from earlier were the demons, Sakura and the others probably sealed the demons away.

I drop the knives and look at them. I also look at my hands which had blood on them. Then I felt dizzy. Sakura holds onto me and brings me into a room. She lays me down and I slowly drift to sleep while she heals my wound.

When I wake up, I’m in the same room Sakura brought me into, but this house was no longer abandoned. I sit up and see my college friends in there with me. I realized how much I had missed them. I was laying in a king sized bed while they were all sleeping around me. Another of my friend was on the couch with a blanket. He woke up and said “You’re finally awake.” I smile and get off the bed.

I look at where my wound was and i see that it’s been healed although it still hurt. My whole body was aching but before I could lay back onto the bed, my friend ran past me and took my spot. I lightly laughed and pushed him over and laid down next to him and the others. One by one they all started waking up and we joked around and laughed like we used to.

Then my brother, Scott (NOTE: Name change again) walks in to play on the computer that was in the room. While he walks past me, I notice his lips, there were wound marks all over them. I froze, was he the person I was attacking? I slowly got out of bed and stumbled towards him not wanting to believe it. I turn him around and he asks what I’m doing. “Did it hurt?” I ask in our language and I feel the tears coming. I point to his lips and he shakes his head no. He then goes on to explain that he was hanging out with Naruto and Zero (vampire knight character) and that when he woke up, he was in this house. Did the demon take over his body too? Maybe while the demon takes over the body, the humans remember nothing. My brother smiled at me and I give him a small smile back.

I walked back towards the bed and wondered why I was always hurting my family. I take my friends iPhone and go on snapchat. I start taking snaps of us and realize how slow the iPhone was, good thing I didn’t get one when I was considering it. He took the phone back and we joked around. I look out the window, everything was peaceful. It was sunny and you could see animals running around in nature.

I turn and see my college friends packing up to leave. They told me to be sure to go back one day to school one day (NOTE: At this time in my life, I was close to dropping out of college due to some issues). Scott tells me that lunch is ready and he runs out to go back home. Then i see Tate, Sareena, my friend, and the girl standing at the doorway.

I gave them a look that meant I was sorry for what happened when it was only supposed to be me involved in this but they shook their heads and smiled. Then they walked out into the hall and left. Soon I was alone in the room.

I thought about all that had happened. I was living a life having violent and bitter thoughts yet my friends, no matter what kind of person they were, stuck by me. Although I would fight and cause harm to my family, they still loved me and treated me right. Why did i always feel depressed and negative about life when I was blessed with such great people? I looked back at the window and then I took off the bandages that wrapped my wound. I left it on the ground and walked out of the room and closed the door.

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Although there were some random parts and it may have been confusing to imagine, I hope you enjoyed reading it. Since this blog post is quite long, I will write my reflection of it as another post. Until then!

 

What Does it Mean to Live?

What does it mean to live? The answer is simple: TO LIVE. Still confusing isn’t it? Let me break it down.

“I’ll start by stating the obvious: “to live” is a verb. That’s a simple, but important…So it’s safe to take a leap and say that a verb is a type of experience.” – David Mansaray

You can’t live if you don’t experience anything. If you go on living by doing the same thing everyday, you already know what to expect. Life will get boring which could lead to the question of what it means to live. If you asked yourself this question, go out and do something new. Whether it be getting a haircut, trying out a new shop down the street, or anything else.

Monthly Reflection: February 2017

February, known as the month of love. A month dedicated to every human being to show their love for anyone around them. Many make cards, others buy gifts. For me, I decided to write a letter.

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To the Wise Guy,

You’re breathtaking. Everything you do amazes me, but when others do it I’m not impressed one bit. I wonder why that is. The way you tilt your head to the side like a puppy and the way you suck in your lips when you concentrate. How could I notice every little thing about you in such a short amount of time? Because of you, I liked doing things I wouldn’t expect to be doing now. You helped me get over one of my biggest fears and I have yet to tell you. Even if I was exhausted and wanted to rest, I would get up and head towards to where you were. I was okay with doing anything just to talk for five seconds or just to see you. I was the happiest girl ever when you bought me something that I didn’t want in the first place. I thought that I was the luckiest person.

 

“I fell for you and I fell hard. You bruised my knees and my heart to the point where I will do everything in my power never to fall for anyone again. It’s safer to stay on your feet. I would rather walk through life completely without love – empty; than crawl through what’s been pumping through my veins one more time.”

― Denice Envall

 

Maybe it’s better to be alone than risk loving someone who will never turn to look at you. It killed me. Why was I willing to do so much when I knew you’d do nothing for me and would just treat me like any other person? I would search a whole crowd for you just to find you with someone else. To think there was a chance even after you told me there wasn’t, how could I have so much hope? Over time I stopped hoping and just accepted it. It felt great to be able to be comfortable around you again without having any unwanted feelings, but the question was, were you comfortable? I’ll never know but I guess that’s okay, right? I was just glad that I was able to not feel any tugging at my heart anymore and that we were good friends. Until the thought of you with someone else was becoming a reality. Everything came flooding back, the memories, your words, the pain. Have I ever truly stopped or did I just lie to myself that I’m over it?